(1938-11-15) Before I Lose My Mind (Esther)
Details for Before I Lose My Mind
Summary: Afraid that she might lose her mind altogether, Esther touches quill to parchment in the first of her journals.
Date: 1938-11-15
Related: Wonderous Beast Wands at Midnight — Really, anything prior to this timewise

I don't know where to begin. I haven't written a journal since Mother uncovered my last one, and proceeded to humiliate me with every line, every phrase, every misspelling and grammatical error. The intent - The misery - She couldn't have cared less. "Ester," She'd say, "Ester, you /cannot/ run your sentences on like this. A lady thinks in clear, concise lines." A lady might learn how to say my fucking name, Mother.

I'm getting distracted. Maybe I should stop. Or maybe I should go on, in case someone needs this later. I'm probably just going to burn it anyway though. So. Today is the reason. It's also the end of this document. If they get me while I'm writing, so be it. If there's no story it doesn't matter what the conclusion is, so this parchment gets the story and then if I can't solve my own problem someone else might have the context to do it for me.

So. I spend my days drifting in an out of fantasy. This is not so uncommon. I tend to slip away into it whenever my cousin (Alphard) starts on me, or one of my fellow students is excessively cruel. It's also useful when enduring pain, or confusing emotions of a physical nature. Harmless. Allows me to process things at my own speed. Well… See, there lies the problem. A few days ago, I didn't get that chance.

We're not there yet though. Firstly, I just want to tell /someone/ that I had my first kiss. Julian Edwards - Mentor, friend, boyfriend(?) - Watching the bonfire from the roof, I don't know if we both felt scared or lonely or what… But I can't wait to find out what it means. It's weighing on my mind. I've also had some… Strange feelings for an older boy, who has put me onto this thing called Tobacco. But.. Back to a few days ago.

Alphard… Damn him. He went too far. I drew my wand. Myrus attacked, I joined in. Douglas stopped me. Myrus put his wand away. And Alphard cursed him, and crushed his hand for good measure. Told me that it was my fault, for acting out. That he would use Myrus to keep me in line. It's not his fault, damn him, but Douglas… Her didn't mean to, but he forced me to watch. I tried to escape out, to not look and deal with it later. And I couldn't. It felt like part of me broke, watching my cousin in pain, but unable to express it. I walked him to the medbay that night. It's all I really remember.

The next day… Well, evening, Elizabeth and Myrus were having a romantic moment on the louvres, when they found me. Sitting on a crennalation, half-frozen, making no sense. Rambling. Next day, Medusa comes to get me on the way to Breakfast, and I… I wanted to get way from her, even though I couldn't. I felt myself slip, and then…. Catch. Left in this horrible no-mans land, filled with this sense of dread, I was convinced that Medusa was going to force me into something cruel, play me into something humiliating. The whole world worked against me - Douglas, taking advantage of my fear, Elizabeth, putting herself in the line of danger. I couldn't explain how my whole world became this… Perceived threat.

I made it out. Ran. Found Myrus, and realised the world for what it is - We discussed life, and love. Elizabeth, for him, and Julian, for me. And then he came; my Julian, like a knight in shining armor. We talked. We made plans. We kissed. I don't remember much past then.

I've pieced the rest together from fractured memories and physical evidence. Something huge was chasing me. On my heels. I lost it in the lower levels, found a classroom, where I was besieged by more monsters. I nearly cursed Elizabeth and Myrus, so deep I was in fugue… Interrupting their romantic tryst. The one good thing I managed to accomplish was to remind Elizabeth that Myrus is legitimate in his intentions towards her.

My mind is decaying. I called Alphard a Mad Dog today, a loose cannon. I'm the one who feels loose.

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