(1938-12-09) Did I Think This Through? (Esther)
Details for Did I Think this Through?
Summary: Esther reflects on whether the decisions she's made have been smart.
Date: 1938-12-09
Related: Black, with Cream and Sugar

… Talking with Alphard today made me realise something. I've been so /proud/ over knowing that I'd get close over New Years, that I failed to think this plan through - So interested in seeing where he was sensitive, probing his mind, seeing if there was a person in there as could be fixed, I didn't realise that I'm doing more than kicking the hornets nest - I'm putting myself in a world that he controls completely, and utterly. I may yet enter it UNARMED. I /must/ have Alphard take me direct from school, I cannot allow my Mother to take my wand… However as a precaution I will bring a select few potions.

I swore today that while he was my cousin, I wouldn't lift my wand against him. It's a technicality. My plan doesn't call for getting mine own hands dirty anyway. There's still no good reason for me not to slap that stupid sneer right off his face though. My position will not, I'm afraid, be consolidated enough by the time the calendar year ends for me to be sure that this will come off in my favour. I am to understand that I have, at most, three pieces currently in suitable positions, although I can only rely on one to be in a position to move should things fall into place in the way I fear.

I am accelerating my plans. I've realised that between Genevieve, Gage, Elizabeth, Lucretia and Douglas I have let too many people know my current position, and if I'm not seen to move than I'll be dead in the water. Potentially literally. Two of the above parties have the ear of the Dog. I'm beginning to wonder if the sense of ease I feel around Genevieve is the same you'd feel, moments before you've drowned. This game must be played close to the chest.

On to alcohol. I will be beginning experiments from tomorrow, if I can secure enough alcohol to do so. Intoxication would be a less than ideal platform to function from. Particularly if I have potions to worry about. Had I the time or resources, I could brew myself a doppleganger.

My, that might amuse poor 'Rus no end.

The bottom of the page is a series of notes

Fire/Explosion. Alcohol. Pain.

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