(1938-12-14) Four Walls Build A Home (Esther)
Details for Four Walls Build A Home
Summary: Today, everything feels Ok.
Date: 1938-12-14

Hello, Journal. I still have trouble deciding, day by day, whether you're burnt, crushed or shredded - But I wanted you to know that I appreciate that you're still here for me.

I spoke some with Peyton and Genevieve today. The latter of which still causes the most dramatic of conflicts within me. I can't decide whether I want to surrender, and hug her, or run. Run as far away as heaven is wide. Ha. Heaven. If I could work out why I feel so comfortable around you, you'd scare me so much less.

I finally got the confidence up to speak to Musidora yesterday. Julian's 'new' girlfriend. Which I guess makes me the 'old' one now. I'm glad that she's someone who is so nice, despite everything that happened - And pretty too. My pride didn't need another knock. I hadn't expected so much of you, either. You know where my banner is now, and we should discuss what that means again, soon. I'm glad there's still fight left in him. In him. He's been fighting for so long.
So long that he's forgotten how. You can't see a dog to put down a dog. You can't become a Monster to kill a Monster.

On Monsters; that was a failed plan. A waste of my time, trying to emulate and overpower Alphard. My new plan will be far more effective, but there's one big problem with it, that can't be taken care of until after Alphard.

It's you, Medusa. And now that all debts have been paid, you're on the list. You and your /joke/ attempt at Mediation, as if that wasn't an invitation for me to fold like wet card. Alphard wouldn't have been happy with anything less than public humiliation. I'm only glad that you owed your dog a treat, not a meal. But I'm worried if I have overplayed my hand around you, if you really see that I'm more than just some silly girl with her head in the clouds and a heart set on revenge. Because if you really believe I pose a threat, my plan won't get past stage one.

The vicious irony here is that in order for there not to BE a plan, Alphard needs to realise that I'm a threat. But I doubt that immensely… And in many ways, it's best for my goals if he doesn't take me seriously. Because I'll give him a damn good reason. I'll allow him just enough rope to hang himself, and then I'll watch him swing with a sick look of glee. I'd like to clarify, dear Journal, that I don't hate the man because of what he did. I hate him because of who he is. A broken, poor imitation of a man. Content to live in a sad little world. We'll see just how much you enjoy the sound of pain.

What else? Douglas, I suppose, is well overdue a mention in your pages. I think he is the catalyst for this… Well, for releasing my desire for revenge. Burning clean the intent, and exposing the cause beneath it. He's a confusing creature, Douglas… I'd be lying if I said I never thought about giving in to him - I think about it whenever we're together - But I never would. Douglas is a 'real man'. He fights for what he wants. Does what he needs to do. And if it comes down around his ears, then he builds it back up. Bigger. Stronger. Better. I don't doubt for a second that he'll play the role he's put into easily, although the guilt I feel at doing it is overwhelming.

From boys, we're touching on Julian. There's no way in hell he's going to apologise for that stupid petition. I have to speak to him. Convince him of the wisdom involved in bending the knee. Promise him his dreams back. He's one of the crucial pieces that I have to have in place. My knight, you'll rise again.

Lastly, Myrus;

We found a home. Maybe. A place where there are no parents, no rules but that which we make for ourselves. We'll make progress towards that. Also… Today, we stopped the masquerade. No more lies. Myrus is mine, and the whole world deserves to know it.
I love you, darling.

As for you, Journal… What are you going to be? Ash? A proud scrap on Alphard's wall? A note on Jenny's rise to power? A prophetic parchment for my faithful? Who knows.

What matters is your silence.


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