(1938-12-16) Trust A Slytherin (Esther)
Details for Trust a Slytherin
Summary: Esther's change of plans and tactics has been brought on by a sudden, vicious betrayal.
Date: 1938-12-16

Run. Run you silly little girl.

I hope I've learned my lesson. I hope, because I cannot lose like that again. The embarassment. The humiliation. I don't know why, but even my heart hurts. Was I really so attached to you already? Did you really hold such sway over my heart, my mind, my body? How much more would you have taken - Would I have willingly given - as time goes on? How much longer until someone holds /my/ leash?

I heard of Jenny's plan yesterday. I thought perhaps she was being quick to the point, hadn't had a chance to think. Perhaps, just maybe, she'd want to ask me 'why' I was so incensed against my dear cousin. Or maybe she'd want to tell me that she'd never want to force me into a decision I wouldn't want to make. Instead… The hubris, the arrogance. The future 'heir'(?) wants me to put aside my feelings, my fears, and give in to her will. I will not. I Will Not. I might have been hyperbolic on the roof, but the essence of what I said is true. Fuck Alphard. Fuck anyone who will use him. And sincerely fuck anyone who encourages his kind.

After… Admittedly breaking down in the arms of a very impressionable Variel Weasley, I recovered. I realised that I'd been played, the promise I'd made to Jenny take advantage of. Fine. I've played at being a monster, it failed. I've played at being Esther Lowe, and I became a piece. Let's try a Slytherin - Let's try a good sheep. It's not so hard, really. I held out a hand to Lucretia, held her liable for her actions… And I put Lucinda firmly in her place. Now I'll make an apology, and lie through my teeth. And if Jenny is there, I'll smile prettily for her, and say all the things she wants me to say. And then I'll be happy to never see her face again.

Jenny, you frighten me more than Medusa. She treated me like a pet, before stabbing me in the face. You called me a friend, and stabbed me in the back. I've never wanted to forgive anyone more in my life.

You terrify me.


I take some small comfort in knowing that if this all fails, I can trade what I know for some kind of peace. It's not an ideal endgame, but what I've learned may at least outweigh the severity of my actions.

I told myself I wouldn't write this. But it's coming down, on paper, now. There's only one person left in my field that I can truly trust. One person who has never hurt me, never wanted to hurt me. One person who makes me feel like the world is OK. One person who could save me. A symbol of beauty, strength, courage. Someone who never wanted me for anything more than me, who saw a beautiful mind and the wonderful, innocent girl beneath it.

My knight. I miss you. I love you. And I swear I'll get you back. I swear I'll make it right. I swear… I swear…

I'll make them all fucking pay.

I… I still get carried away when I think of you. I miss you, Julian.

I'll watch this one burn 'til ash. It must never see unfriendly eyes. And here, I'm surrounded by them.

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