(1938-12-27) Cold and Lonesome (Esther)
Details for Cold and Lonesome
Summary: Esther reflects on people she's missing or hasn't seen for a while. And some she's seen.
Date: 1938-12-28

This page drips wet, and has obvious creases all the way through it. As if has been crammed into a glass of water, with the intention of vanishing the whole sad mess a moment later. The ink runs until it's illegible, should it be removed.

I never realised how cold and lonely this room could be. I'm used to being all but alone in here, sure, just watching the flames. But now, without /life/ during the daytime, without people filling it with noise, movement, the snake pit feels more and more like a dungeon after all. I'm still working hard. Charms mostly. I've got a book on Ancient Runes (Andromena, I didn't forget!) but I'm finding it so confusing that I've put it aside until I have a tutor who can help me make sense of it. I'm brighter than scribbling down in vain hope that something'll come of it. But if I'd known the power promise that they held I might have taken it as an elective.

Promise. I like that word. I should probably use it more often. The situation with Myrus? That has promise too. I can't wait until his birthday, I've already though about sneaking out and finding a nice nook in the armor gallery, where we might spend the night. I'm beyond ready. I've been waiting. I've been good. I've been patient.

God, I hope it's not disappointing.

… Well, that's guaranteed that you're another page that's being destroyed. Hmn. What else? It's a week before everyone returns, so I should probably accomplish /something/ in the time remaining. I'm still thinking about the horrible mess that exists with Julian, my personal struggles with Alphard (What the hell would he have /done/ with me, in those days?), the drama that is Medusa and Pringle (You'll burn in hell, you twisted ass); and… Of course, Jenny.

That's… Been playing on my mind an awful lot lately. Perhaps avoiding her was an over-reaction. I feel betrayed, but only because I betrayed myself. Every touch, every warming glance that make me feel weak. Like I needed her. But she never asked for my trust, and to be fair, she wasn't playing a game when she forced my hand. Maybe she was doing what she thought was best for everyone - Although I have no doubt what was best for Alphard was on her mind. So what do I do about her? Precisely nothing. Reset the field. She knows how to get through to me though, so I have to be /very/ careful around her. As much as I want to move on though… I never want her to touch me again.

Supposedly Douglas is going to make his way into Hogsmeade at some point during the holidays. And if I hear from him, I'll probably steal away to the Village for a drink - I find his presence so comforting. Big Brother; maybe, maybe not. I still haven't figured out what to call Medusa though. I can trust her now though - Although for her own sake there's no 'need' to tell her everything and anything I do. There's enough on her mind without some mad young girls plans and problems.

Lucretia, on the other hand. She, I'm more certain about - Young little Black, I'd /love/ for her not to turn out just like our cousin. She knows she can talk to me, that helps. And there's just enough of a give-and-take there to make her feel important.

Oh. Gage and Elizabeth. I hope they got the Owls I sent. I'd love to have attended her party, although had I gone home I know that aside from a nightmarish few days in custody of Alphard, mother would have left me in my room and expected me to be happy about it…

Last person. Honest. And it's for you, Julian. I hope that the break brings you back. I'd be lying if I said it was only because I had use for you. Words cannot describe how conflicted you make me.

I received an owl today that some supplies have made it to the Lowe Homestead, should I be able to get there sometime in the future to make sure it's all there. Maaybe get a good mental image for how the house is supposed to go.

It's more than a little sad when I think about it. You're all off having grand adventures. I'm stuck in a dungeon writing how I feel about you all. Sometimes the world isn't fair.

But hell with it. I made my choice. And I'll regret nothing.


The bottom of the page is occupied with inscriptions of various runes, copied at random for her new book.

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