(1939-01-21) The Hair as Heir?
Details for The Hair as Heir
Summary: Esther's dreams, hopes, fears of the past week are reflected on.
Date: 1939-01-21

Singe marks and cinders mark the edges of this piece of parchment, the journal destroyed via a burning charm.

I dreamed last night. I haven't dreamed for so long. I dreamed of a throne atop a great plinth, staring down at a writhing, ignorant mass. A beautiful, fierce woman atop of it… Bringing order, discipline, a woman who vacated her throne suddenly, so arbitrarily, at the height of her power. In it's wake, men and women alike fought for her crown, and one rose - A poor copy, hair dyed to look alike, trying to wield the power and control, master the voice and dominate the mass that began to rise, and thrash, and do injury until itself, her throne, and the world alike - Until someone else rose from within it. Sword in hand, she struck down the False Queen, tearing her wretched form from the throne. Throwing her back down from whence she came, and taking the throne and crown. To rule as their predecessor once had. Fair, beautiful, and terrible, I beheld a Queen wearing my face.

I woke then… I woke, and told myself that it was just a dream. That my conversation with Medusa meant nothing, I am Esther Lowe; no Queen. Shy at best, maniacal at worst. It wasn't even two AM, and pleasant memories of the night before soon put me back to bed.

Again I dreamed… I dreamed of Myrus, and the terrible fury that lingers just beneath the surface. The fury that I've been fighting to keep quelled since I knew it existed, behind years of hurt and abuse - The darkness that his mother brought. I tell him that I've betrayed him, his trust… That I didn't know that my love for him was mistakenly interpreted, that I still love him so, that I would do all for him, but that I love and care for him as family… That I'd got it so wrong. I try to tell him that I'm sorry, and his wand is out, and I'm screaming… I'm screaming, and crawling to Zayn.

I look down at my hands, and they're covered in my own blood. The pain is horrendous, beyond words, and I reach for my new love… And he looks at me. Stares. Knows how richly I deserve this moment. Laughter, in the background… Myrus not bent, broken, as he delights in torturing me. I woke again, screaming, clutching my stomach… And promptly felt so shamed.

I don't know how I'm feeling about Zayn, minute to minute my mind changes. We have almost as much in common as we have opposed, although I have to wonder what his heart will feel when he realises that this isn't just a shy young woman… That I might have been a killer, and glad of it. That I'm manipulative. An activist, an antagonist, for every bit that he is a pacifist. Although it was… Remarkably cute that he docked points after kissing me. I think…. I think that's the man I want. Someone who won't violate his principles so easily, who knows me, loves me for who I am, but won't let me get away with all of my bullshit. I just hope that he knows what he's in for.

Myrus is easier to deconstruct. He's family. I love him. Want the best for him. And feel the need to protect him - Turns out from everything. Even having his heart broken by someone else, which has led me to do it myself. I hope it doesn't turn him into someone else… I love my cousin, he's the one constant over all of these years, the one thing that never changed until WE changed it. And I'm risking it all for a handsome devil, a known flirt and charmer.

I'll tell Myrus in Hogsmeade. He deserves his chance to answer. And I've sins enough that should he choose to, I deserve to be punished. As long as it keeps his wand on the people who are responsible for the way he's feeling.

As for Zayn… I don't know what I want. I want to know if there's more there, or if he's as he is. Either which way, though, I think my heart has found where it wants to rest.

Medusa wants Silas to take over her throne. Who knows who'll take it come my year. I don't know too much about Silas, but I'm confident I'd be far more likely to manipulate him, than trust him, should he be the new heir. Although right now, I don't know what to do about him.

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