(1939-02-03) I don't even...
Details for I don't even…
Summary: Gus' thoughts on recent life changes.
Date: 1939-02-03

So. Eibhlin broke up with me.

I want to feel really sad about that. Or angry. There is something in me that says that she betrayed me, that she is mean and selfish. But that's just the darkest corner of my heart talking. In my head I know that I wasn't there for here, much as Lillian wasn't there for me. It's just… right now, I need someone to be there for me. Is a little bit of loyalty really too much to ask, after my mother was murdered?

Couldn't Eibhlin have come to the realization that she didn't like me the same way I like her, before I told my mother about her? Before the last thing I said to Mama on the day that she died was that Eibhlin was worth fighting for? Before I told Mama that her ideals were outdated and idiotic, and that I wouldn't be pushed around by a snob?

If she had only told me sooner. Maybe my last words to Mama would have been sweet instead of harsh. Maybe she wouldn't have…

But I can't think like that. I can't think in maybes and what ifs.

But why… why does some part of me still think that Eibhlin could have tried to be there for me? I risked everything for her. She can't even stand by me now… And why? WHY?! What reason did she give? Out of nowhere, at the worst possible moment, "I just don't like you like that, Gus." God. Fickle bitch. Cold-hearted, treacherous little creature! What did I do to deserve any of this? To be tugged about and pushed away like an inconvenience? One moment she says yes, the next she says no, and fuck me for having any feelings of my own.

I need… someone. I can't do this on my own. How am I supposed to take care of Papa and Lizette and the vineyard all on my own? Who will take care of me? Papa pours his grief into one ear, Lizette pours hers into the other. Who am I supposed to talk to? I tried talking to Papa but he only turns the conversation back to his pain. Once he even told me that I cannot understand how he feels right now. As if losing my mother isn't… I just…

I am bitterly disappointed. Even my friends seem to have abandoned me. No letters. I am sure I let Douglas down by leaving Hogwarts but my family needed me. They still need me. So I am here for them, and everyone I thought I could count on is just too busy with their fucking homework to write me once in a while, or ask to meet at Hogsmeade for an hour or two. I suppose if I am out if sight, I am also out of mind.

What a humbling and terribly sad realization. It's true that in times of hardship you discover who your true friends are. Do I even have one? So many people who smile at me but deep down don't actually care how I am doing.

God, I wish Mama was alive. I wish I could tell her that I am sorry for what I said. I wish I could give her another hug, another kiss. I would give anything to hear her voice again, and see her poring over the ledgers or walking through the garden.

I'm sorry Mama. I miss you.

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