(1939-02-04) Moments
Details for Moments
Summary: Myrus writes down his thoughts about the past couple weeks
Date: 1939-02-04
Related: Shhh! Arguing in Progress!
Divorce Before Marriage
Murder in the Greenhouse

Life is a series of moments.
Some we think we can control.
This is a lie.
Everything around us has power over us.
Whether or not we want to let that power take hold, or shrug it off as something insignificant, or if we try as hard as we can to not let it get to us.. these moments still have some innate strength over our bodies, our minds, and our hearts that we sometimes cannot see.
This is the truth as I know it.
My name is Myrus Carrow.
I have had some moments to think.
Or have moments to think taken control of me?
I'm tired of lies.
I'm tired.
I lay here, and the clock in my dormitory room quietly ticks away the moments.
Three sixteen in the morning.
Or so I think within the light of my little flame.
I had a sad string of moments when I learned that Esther chose someone else over me.
And then furious, contained hatred when she asked me to face her.
To hurt her.
To destroy her.
The next line of moments took me to a very dark place in my soul, from which either she had been keeping me or that part of my soul was alight when I was with her.
This doesn't matter anymore.
I had a moment of despair and lost my footing within my own anger.
Just one moment.
It led to her taking the proverbial power that moment had on her and she reacted with the same distain I had shown her in the place of her offer to harm her physically, where I chose to destroy her with hate-filled words and vile poison from my lips.
I hated myself for losing her in the first place.
Those moments are done.
I just miss her now.
Another moment, I was offered a chance to regain composure, to have some intimate moments with another.
I let those moments control me into laying with the offer of a bed.
I had moments of happiness, glee, exhuberant joy.
Without Esther.
A groundbreaking moment, yes.
But in a way it was a lie.
Following it was a moment of emptiness, that I could be fine without her.
A moment to savor the irony.
The pain dulled where the joy stayed sharp and refined.
Like the frozen waters of the lake as they melt.
Only the sadness melted, and the enjoyment of the most recent moments remained.
Thank you, friends, for those bright moments that pulled me from the dark ones.
Sometime soon, I'll use a few moments to tell you that I'm sorry, Esther.
But for now, I'm too busy thinking how to thank someone else.
And, in a moment, I'll be back asleep.

I still have the painting of you, and me, and my parents.
I take a moment every now and then to look at it.
And I still smile..
..even if just for a moment.
Through all this, I can still be happy.
Or, happiness can take control of me.
Whichever way it goes.
I'm happy, dammit.

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