(1940-01-05) Heavy Heart and Troubled Mind
Details for Heavy Heart and Troubled Mind
Rena
Summary: Feeling very lost, confused and hurt, Rena takes pen in hand to express in her own words the disastrous truth of her marriage.
Date: 1940//01/05
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I can't imagine what's come over me that I'm writing these words right now. But, as I sit here alone in a hotel room, I feel I may lose my mind if I don't put my thoughts into words. Mister Worthington was kind enough to allow me a week's leave, provided I stayed available. What with Unity passing and all, he's worried about unrest. I can't blame him.
Where do I begin? How do I justify anything I've done? I must be the most dreadful woman who ever lived. There's not a thing I can do about it now, though. What's done is done, and it's all over. My poor Takeshi - what happened to you? Was it all my fault? I'm not smart enough to figure the answers on my own.

I'd give anything to start over. He was smitten with me from the first; and, in time he charmed me because he was so sweet, kind, thoughtful and caring. Nobody else saw that in him. All they saw were the troubles with his mind. I knew there was so much more to him than that; and I thought that I could love and help him, given enough time. I won't pretend that things were perfect; but, there was a time when we were genuinely happy together. Why did everything change?
I know that I made terrible mistakes when I let Arthur back into my life. We're no good for each other. We just end up hurting each other. No matter how passionately we may feel, it always ends in pain. I can't bear hurting anyone… I suppose that's why I couldn't bring myself to tell Takeshi. That, and I am a coward. The guilt and shame was enough to make me consider ending it all, and sometimes, I think it would've been better if I had.

Once we were married, he became cold, overbearing and unkind. Telling me to forget my past and never speak of it. He made me ashamed of what I was, and it hurt me so. He even made light of the War. Not my concern, he said. It was all just a joke to him - a big laugh. I tried so hard to explain, but he wouldn't listen. If anything, he became more arrogant, stubborn and patronizing. I can't make excuses for the things I did afterward. A lovesick mistake in the arms of a man like Charlie, who I barely knew. One mistake is forgivable, but to do it again and again… What kind of woman am I? Then, to make things worse, I met him and everything changed. Him being Lieutenant Faulkner.
I've been told I'm a fool. How can I say that I've fallen in love with a man I've known only four months? I don't know the answer. I only know that whenever I am with him, wherever we are, I feel as if I belong with him and to him. He makes me happy, and he loves and accepts me for everything I was and am now. Nothing I've told him is enough to shake him or make him back away. But still, I made a commitment to Takeshi… a lot of good it's done. Now, it's all over between us. It was inevitable, although he never knew of my infidelity.

The day Unity passed, things went from bad to worse. Takeshi's parents decided to chuck it all, saying England wasn't safe to live in. He was inclined to agree. It wasn't the first time he put forward the idea of moving to Japan and leaving this mess behind. He never understood my feelings, or that I couldn't abandon England in her hour of need.
Next morning, I caught him putting some kind of potion into my drink and confronted him. I come to find out that he's been drugging me for months - ever since that first bad fight - to make me more manageable. I don't even want to write about the aftermath. Now, there is no going back. We both know now that we simply can't get on together as a man and wife should. Not when our differences have dug a bloody moat between us.

I suppose I should feel relieved. But, if that's so, why can't I stop crying? I've made such a mess of Takeshi's life and mine. Soon, he and his parents will return to Japan, and I'm sure I'll never hear from them again. Who will take care of him and see to his needs? Who is going to be sure that everything is just so? When things are disordered, they trouble him terribly. What's going to become of him? I admonished Mai, the house elf, to do everything she could for him; but, it isn't the same. I secreted a letter into his luggage, hoping he will read it one day and find it in his heart to forgive me. I can't bear him going away and thinking that he wasn't good enough for me - which he might. I'd rather he feel that I was not good enough for him. I feel no anger now. Just sadness. I'm a failure in every way imaginable for a woman. All I wish is that he finds happiness one day with someone worthy of him.

Where do I go from here? How do I carry on? I can't get beyond the questions, and I can't answer them. I'll just have to wait it out.

-Irene Od Lee

NOTE: The letter which Rena wrote for Takeshi is included here…

My Dear Takeshi:

I don't know if you will ever read this letter; however, I hope that you will one day. Where are the words to describe my feelings as I write? There is so much I want to say, and so little time to say it. I've done you wrong. Never feel that you were not good enough, Takeshi. It was I who was not good enough for you. I realized too late that my love for you (and yes, I do love you) was not the proper love of a wife for her husband. It was unfair and unjust of me, and the fault is mine alone. For that, you have my deepest and sincerest apologies. I hold nothing against you; and, although I don't deserve such kindness, I hope that one day you might feel the same toward me.
You must know that my only wish for you is that you find happiness – true happiness – with a woman who is worthy of you. Whether you believe it of yourself or not, you are a good man, and you deserve happiness in your life. I know that you will find it, someday.

Please, if ever you can find it in your heart to do so, forgive me for the pain I caused you. Perhaps one day, we will both be able to remember the good times we had, and let go of the rest.

Be happy, Takeshi. That's all I want for you.

- Love, Rena

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