| Details for Starting to Heal |
| Summary: | Morgana finally runs into Silas to find out the reason for his brooding. |
| Date: | 1939-01-15 |
| Location: | The Owl Tower |
| Related: | Some Wounds Heal Slowly |
| Characters |
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It's later in the day, evening. Dinner for the most part come and gone except for those stalwarts who seem to remain for the entirety of the meal. Silas wasn't one of them. He doesn't /miss/ meals, but it can't be missed that he not only has only showed up long enough to get food and wolf it down… but also that since breakfast Tuesday morning, he's not sat with his usual cohorts at the Slytherin table. Meals have been wolfed down, and he's left the moment it was proper to do so.
The worst part, however, for anyone who knew him., was the lack of a smile. His face has been rocky, impassive, and for the most part any attempts to approach him or reach out to him have been subtly avoided. Not unkindly, but it was clear he wanted his solitude. Today had been slightly different, a ghost of the old smile back, but he still had kept to himself outside of classes all day.
Right now, he actually is outside the tower, leaning up against a wall in the stairwell, staring down at the Quidditch Pitch of all places. His arms cross over the cold stone, kept warm by his robes. His right hand is bandaged across the knuckles, and still mostly white. Oddly enough, in his left hand is a small, pink paper crane, a little worse for the wear.
If there is one thing Morgana is, it's observant. Having noticed the subtle changes in Silas, she became worried, but with time constraints and his request to not meet in private like they were, she hasn't had a chance to ask him about it. He also looked like he needed space, so she didn't try and hunt him down. However she does need to send a letter that she wrote while eating today, which is what brings her out here.
Spotting the Slytherin boy, Morgana pauses on the stairs. He looked like he needed space, but perhaps he is retreating to far into himself. So with assured steps, she climbs up the rest of the way, pulling her scarf tighter around her now exposed neck. "Are you waiting for it to fly away on it's own?" She asks quietly, gesturing to the small crane.
At the sound of the familiar voice Silas doesn't tense, like one might expect. Instead he looks down at the little crane she mentioned, a smile flitting across his face for just a moment. "No… not quite so much," he answers, fingers rotating the little bird for a moment before looking up and behind him. A half-grin greets Morgana as they meet eyes, before he turns his attention back to the Pitch below.
"He actually flew for me yesterday, a gift from someone who couldn't bear to see me sad, despite my hardly knowing her." He offers as an explanation, "No… I just… wanted to be here."
"The kindness of strangers then?" Morgana asks, deciding to lean against the wall while they talk. "I can't say that I have been to happy to see you so upset, when just a few days ago, you were the one cheering me up." There is concern in her voice, especially when she notices his hand, but she figures it is one problem at a time! "Do you mind if I am here with you? I can give you your space if you really want it Silas."
His sigh is soft, and there's no recoil when she joins him at the wall, so clearly he's not too upset with the accommodations, "Funny, the impact you can have on people without you ever really knowing they exist." He looks at the crane again, before tucking it into a pocket. "I don't mind you here. I know I've been distant, from everyone. Trying to get my bearings. For a while there I was feeling very… toxic. Afraid I'd hurt anyone and everyone who came into contact with me."
Another sigh, "This isn't some clandestine meeting, or summons or whatever. And, frankly… it doesn't really matter as much anymore. There's no one to betray now." And there's the long and short of it, played out as he flexes his injured hand.
"I figured that something like that might have happened, by the way you were acting." Morgana says, turning to look at him and letting her hand gently touch his arm. "True, but the other part of that was wanting our friendship out in the open, and I do not mind that in the least bit. We can meet however you want Silas." After a moment of offering that quiet comfort, she looks back toward his eyes. "Tell me what happened."
"It's complicated," he says with a slight grin. There's a joke in there somewhere. "But suffice it to say… she was trying as hard as she could to make it work… but I fell short. She wanted me to be what she needed, but I wasn't. What I thought was a victory on my part… was her doing the best she could to make it work, but in the end, there was no fire for her. I… hurt her. I tried to protect her from my parents. I continued to play my power games with Medusa despite the fact that she doesn't care a whit for it. I tried to bridge the gap between the two of them. I… I didn't pay enough attention to what she needed, and so I'm now out of that picture."
"She came to me. To apologize, I guess. Because she found someone she could actually feel that fire with. Whose kisses and touches were more than just those of a friend. We… it didn't go so well. It never does, when things get that heated." He looks to his fist. "I might have dirtied the wall of the Viaduct a little."
"Is it now?" Morgana says, mirroring that grin, and knowing that joke all to well. Hearing his words, the grin fades, falling into a frown, and her eyes even narrow just a touch. However she shakes it off and reaches out to gently hold up his bandaged hand. "I'm guessing that you didn't use conventional paint to to redecorate?" Her voice softens however as she releases his hand. "There is nothing worse than realizing you have fallen short against someone else. That pain, a pain I know very well, is not one that easily fades. You begin to question yourself, trying to realize where you went wrong, why it wasn't enough for them. The first time I felt that, I came up to this very tower and threw my violin off the edge, nearly shattering it in the process." She says, trying to at least show that she may have some of the same issues that he does. Pausing for a moment, before she looks back out over the castle grounds. "Until one day you realize that it isn't you. Not to sound cliche, and say something you are probably tired of hearing but… If that is how she treated you, than she did not deserve you."
Silas shakes his head vehemently, "She and I are both at fault. She was quite right about several of the ways I wronged her. I expected too much .She warned me, and I just barreled straight in. I never invited her to come meet you, spend time with you. Or anyone else that wasn't already in her circle. I ignored cues. I acted without thinking. And I pushed her. So many times. If I had just allowed her to be who she is…" He shakes his head again, "I'm sure she's not blameless. There's equal share of blame here. But she was my friend first… and /I/ pushed for more. I was the one who couldn't separate things and just let it stay the way it was."
He sighs, "She tried to love me, Morgana. I just, in the end, wasn't what she needed. I was the one holding her back. Now I'm not anymore. And so it hurts that she found it with someone else… but she could have led me on. Hidden it."
Morgana frowns, feeling as if she's hearing her own story told back to her. "That is a very fine line, where friendship becomes something deeper, and half of the time you don't know crossed it until it is too late. That first bit of love is just so strong, that sometimes it's hard to shy away from it, even against your better judgement." She gives him the bit of wisdom that she'es gathered from her own experience. "Conall did the same thing. I would tell him how I feel, those magical three words and he would just get this… expression on his face. He would say that he could not say it back to me, but gave the excuse that his ex girlfriend had hurt him after he said it to her." Morana moves from the wall to sit on one of the stairs, gesturing the boy to join her. "The best thing I can offer, is to learn from what you done. Those regrets you have, those mistakes you made, just keep them in your mind, because situations like this are bound to crop up again."
"Learn from your mistakes, and keep watching for the sun to rise." Silas comes back with, after a moment's reflection choosing to sit next to her as offered. He looks to his hand, "It's why I'm letting this scar. I could take a potion… but I'm going to have a reminder of what happened. When I allowed the intensity of emotion override thought, override logic, and acted without thinking."
He's quiet for a bit before he continues. "I don't regret it. And I still love her terribly. And once the wound is a little less fresh, I'm going to do my damnedest to win back my friend, at least. Because that part of us was far too important. Is too important. And I know I'm not going to wall myself away. I'm not going to surrender to this melancholy."
He looks at his hand again, then, "And just like this, I'll bear the scar. But I'll remember. And I'll be happy again."
Morgana shakes her head at Silas and gives him a bitter laugh. "You are handling this way better than I ever did. However, when it happened to me the first time, I was alone. I am glad that you see you are not." At least he is portraying that he thinks that way. "I think that is a good idea. I myself am just starting to repair that bridge between Conall and myself. The pain is still there, and I fear that it will always be, but I have learned from it." She does lean over to give him a half hug, figuring that he'll need it. "I know you'll do fine. You'll pull yourself out of this, get your friend back, and when the time is right you'll find those feelings again, and share them with someone who feels the same way back."
"You wouldn't be saying that had you talked to me earlier," Silas mumbles, patting his breast pocket, where he stowed away the little crane. "I kinda had to be snapped out of this whole spiral of 'I'm toxic, I hurt everyone I care about, all I ever do is destroy things'." He grins, "It still feels like that, but I know that's just the pain talking."
He accepts the half-hug, even leans into it, and of all things puts his head on Morgana's shoulder. He's gotten used to physical touch, and lacked it significantly in the past few days. "You realize that we tend to give each other advice that seems to go both ways, don't you?"
"Yes, but in a few days you've at least become functional. I was.. I was a mess. I didn't leave my bed, unless it was to go to work. I did a lot of drinking, which didn't really help anything either. I didn't feel toxic, I just felt… worthless. I still have those same feelings, on my darker days." And she still has them, but that's Morgana and she does enjoy a good brood.
Morgana seems to be needing a bit of physical contact herself. At least the kind that isn't going to go anywhere. His comment does make her laugh. "I think it's because we are in similar situations. We were probably brought together just to be that extra voice in the background keeping each other sane."
"Mayhap I'm just made of sturdier stuff," Silas offers, the jest clear in his voice as he slips an arm around her back to complete the half-hug. "Although I don't think so. I think you're right. I got lucky. I wish you could have had the same when you were there. But you're there now… and you should think on that, I think. Because if I can pull myself together…" Another smile.
Morgana pokes Slias in the arm, as if testing to see if he is made of something sturdier. "Perhaps, though you still feel squishy to me.' She replies with a nod before she leans into him just a bit. "I'll admit to having less trouble this time, but I also have far more keeping me busy. I can't just spend my days, lamenting in bed, because I am expected to do more." She'll nod once more and give his shoulders a quick squeeze. "But yes, you do give me hope that I will one day be okay again."
Silas hisses in mock pain at the poke, and although he nods in response, he goes quiet for a bit. Several minutes pass in utter silence then, should she allow it, before he finally just says, "Thank you for giving me something to focus on other than her, for a little bit." So it had been the pitch, and by extension, her, that he had been staring after. Silly boy.
Morgana lets him sit there in silence, even going as far to reach up and lightly rub his back. Once he speaks she nods her head. "That's what I am here for Silas. To give you that distraction and remind you that there are other people here." Reaching up she'll pat his shoulder. "Come one, lets get inside some where and find a game to play or waste our time with. Somewhere not in secret." And far away from the Quidditch pitch!